5 New Reasons to Move Your Family to North Dakota

Yesterday, we stumbled upon an charming article paid for by the Department of Commerce, titled “5 Reasons to Move Your Family to North Dakota.”

It cites the state’s “family-friendly communities,” “one of the best school systems,” “low commute times,” “the great outdoors” and “vibrant cities.”

In light of several bills recently introduced in the state legislature, we are proud to present:

5 New Reasons to Move Your Family to North Dakota

1. Cheap real estate. 

Dave Piepkorn

Thanks to Fargo City Commissioner Dave Piepkorn’s investigative prowess, we found out that refugees, rather than being productive members of society, are actually using up all the money and are pretty scary to boot. There’s no evidence for this, but it feels right. Luckily our fearless politicians are working on a refugee ban. When all the refugees disappear, there will be plenty of empty houses for you to move into at a low price.

2. Every town is getting an artisanal olive oil store. 

A carafe of fine olive oil

No matter where you are planning to move to in North Dakota, rest assured that it will have a artisanal olive oil shop. Gov. Doug Burgum’s “Main Street Initiative” is a plan to revitalize old, dusty downtowns and make them super posh. He hasn’t offered any specifics yet, but you can bet that artisanal olive oil will be part of the picture.

3. Save money on Halloween. 

Al Carlson

Are you tired of having to spend so much money, every single year, on dumb Halloween masks for your kids? Then you’re in luck. House Majority Leader Al Carlson is pushing a bill to ban masks on all public streets. That means less shopping for you. The bill does include an exception for costumes, but your kids don’t need to know that, do they?

4. Murder will be legal.

David Clemens

Have you ever wanted to murder someone? If the answer is yes, then you will love this state. State Sen. David Clemens has written a bill to let you:

  • kill someone even if you could safely avoid it by retreating
  • kill someone to prevent them from causing $100 worth of damage to your stuff
  • kill someone who’s running away from you

If you prefer murdering people with your car, a separate bill would let you run over people if they’re blocking a road.

5. A career in public office is within reach.

Politicians at work

As you can probably tell by now, the politicians here are garbage. Why don’t you join them? Let’s see if you’re qualified. Are you smart? Doesn’t matter. Capable? Who cares. Have a shred of human decency? Bah. Just stick to some talking points, and you’ll be fine. After you’re elected, we’ll celebrate by popping open some fine artisanal olive oil.

1 Comment on "5 New Reasons to Move Your Family to North Dakota"

  1. I can’t wait to move out.

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